If you’re in your 20’s and you don’t have kids…

It should be illegal to even think about getting married and/or having kids before you’re 30. Male AND female.

This little piece of advice is my special gift to you.

When my children were little and I took them somewhere like grocery shopping, every time, without fail, the second we got to the cash register, one of those kids would start playing with any number of the million and one fucking things that stores use to pump up your grocery bill. Almost every time that I was trying to drag my 20 fingered kid away from the chocolate bar that she’d managed to open while I wasn’t looking, the cashier would remark, “She’s so adorable!” Right. I’d generally take this occasion to ask said cashier, “Do you have kids?” To which they’d usually reply, “No…not yet. But I can’t wait!”

Here comes the speech (pardon me while I drag out my soapbox…)

I usually began with; “Sure they’re adorable! But do you see what I’m doing here? I’m peeling a melted chocolate bar from the sticky fingers of a four year old who’s managed to open and ‘feel up’ three of them in the time it took you to say ‘Isn’t she adorable!’. I know it looks like it’s all fun and games, but this is constant. From the minute they wake up to the second that they finally close their bulgy little eyes sometime in the middle of the night, this is what I do. I run behind them, making sure that they don’t get into something that they’re not supposed to. I don’t care if that ‘something’ is chocolate or bleach, it’s my job to do everything from making sure that they don’t wallow in shitty diapers or ingest something that could kill them, to listening to them scream relentlessly at night because they don’t want to go to sleep. THAT is what you have to look forward to.”

Then I’d take half a step back while ‘my victim’ looked at me wild-eyed…almost terrified, combined with nervous laughter. Then I’d say, “Still think they’re adorable?”

I’d go on to tell them to “get all of your partying, travelling, staying out all night, wild sex having, dope smoking, selfie taking and trouble making out of the way because once you have them, life as you know it is officially OVA, and there’s no giving them back. You’re in it, and there’s no going back once you’re in”.

I have no idea whether or not the ‘sharing’ of this little tirade makes any difference. I certainly would hope so.

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